Let it out.

“Have you ever been in love?”

A question like that, I usually shrug off. The short answer is no. For whatever reason, it’s a question (or one similar) I’ve been asked a few times in the past couple of weeks making it increasingly difficult not to look inwards for a more complete response. Now that I have, I’ve been itching to share that response with someone but I’m a private person when it comes to feelings. Then I thought about it, why not here – publicly yet anonymously. So here it goes.

After college, I did a pre-med post baccalaureate program where I met Sophia. She was an undergraduate at the university enrolled in a seven year BS/MD program so we wound up taking a lot of the same science and math courses together. She was a great study partner and an even better friend and person. Many people on the pre-health track say they are on it because they want to help people but if you met Sophia, you had no doubt she was genuine in her pursuit. Combine that with her intellect, friendly disposition, and shared interests like music, my attraction to her grew.

Even though I have never been in love, why I thought of Sophia is because if our friendship ever morphed into a more intimate relationship, I could imagine it leading to love. I was attracted more to her inner beauty than her outward appearance. Don’t get me wrong, I thought Sophia was a pretty person but when I thought of her then and as I think of her now, I think of more of her personality than anything else. In my opinion, when you are thinking more in-to-out than out-to-in, you have a good foundation for something more serious.

Here are some responses to likely questions.

Did you ever follow-up on your feelings with her? 

I remember asking her if she ever wanted to hang out sometime when on break (we grew up in adjacent towns) but she didn’t answer. There is a possibility she did not hear the suggestion but more than likely she did and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I left it there because I really did like having her as a friend and further awkwardness could jeopardize that. Since then, there has been no follow-up. If we cross paths again, maybe I will be more direct but it’s unlikely we will.  

Do you still have feelings for her? 

Nostalgic, sure, but ever present, no. If I were to ever fall in love, I think it would develop similar – from friendship and mutual respect. 

Are you saying it’s possible you can fall in love with one of your other female friends (if you have any)? 

There is always that possibility but I think the better question is what makes the relationship with Sophia unique if it was only a friendship? I think the answer is the eventual development of feelings I had for her were unexpected. I believe love is something that evolves naturally. Also, remember I openly admit to never have been in love. If I am fortunate enough to be one day, maybe I find out that mutual respect and friendship doesn’t have to be the origin points for someone to fall in love with someone else.  

It feels good to get that out.